On The Topic Of Love

I've always been a bit out of touch with my emotions. I think it started around the time I was 15 or so. Due to many health issues, I think I was just severely emotionally drained and never properly recovered.

This kinda followed me into college and after some relationships that didn't end too well, I just ended up cutting some emotions off from me. On one hand, I no longer felt any kind of stress, nor do I feel any kind of anger anymore. But on the other, I lacked empathy and whatever "love" is.

I don't know what happened, but something changed recently. I talked about reaching out to loved ones in my previous post, and I think that may have had a larger impact on me than I expected. I feel like I unlocked part of my brain that has always been there, but I've never been able to access it as I closed it off all those years ago.

I've always said to myself that there are two kinds of love. There's "loving someone" and "being in love with someone". Throughout my life, I've fallen in love with a handful of people, which falls into the latter category, but I never found someone who fit into the former.

Sure I've had friendships that have lasted for more than half my life at this point, and despite talking to these people very regularly, I just never felt "love" towards them.

It was this past Thanksgiving when I think I finally felt that. As I wanted to reconnect with those I once fell out of touch with, and even just talk to people I talk with every day, I made sure to tell them that I was thankful for them.

I was messaging the person who I consider to be my longest-lasting friend. They've been a part of my life for well over a decade, and as I told them that I was thankful for them, I felt a rush. I felt relaxed and at ease. It was unlike any emotion I had ever felt before.

As I continued to reach out to those friends, I felt that same rush. One that felt comforting and made me feel at peace. As fast as my fingers could type I was sending messages to friend groups, and people that have been a significant pillar in my life.

I definitely feel like I've unlocked a part of my brain that I've closed off for all my life. I've always said that I've traded my lack of stress, anger, and anxiety for my ability to feel empathy, happiness, and love.

And now, I think I finally understand those feelings.

My lack of stress, anger, and anxiety still persist, and while I did feel all of those things only a couple of days ago when my computer was having some issues, I've learned how to deal with those emotions in such a way that they don't have any impact on me as a whole.

Sure there are minor inconveniences that we all encounter every day that elicits some kind of reaction pertaining to those emotions, but they're just minor things that won't affect you at all in the grand scheme of things. Even the major catastrophes are just a fact of life. Either way, you gotta roll with the punches. I'm glad I did because now I get to truly experience what it's like to be happy, to love someone, and to understand them on a level I never could before.

As always, I will leave you with a few words.

Be A Real Person